Ok So I am warning you all this is not going to be a light cheery post, so please do not feel compelled to read if you don't want to...
At this stage in pregnancy, The hospital I am using give all women this survey which basically lets them know emotionally how you are going and to give them an insight into who may be at risk for post natal depression. I completed this survey this week and as I knew I would scored very high.
I have known for quite a while there has been some underlying depression going on in my life. I have been diagnosed with depression before and put on anti depressants, I know what my signs are. The last time was after I had Leyana. I love being pregnant but emotionally and psychologically I do not cope particularly well, just ask my poor long suffering husband.
I spoke to a close friend about it after my appointment, she knows all the details of what went on in my life after I had Leyana, so of course expressed concern about my well being. I assured her I was fine for the moment and would talk to the appropriate people after I have given birth. I told her I was fine with everything and with the fact that I may be diagnosed yet again.
I am struggling though, not with the fact That I may have to go back on medication, I have no issues with this, I am not against it at all. I am struggling with the way depression outworks itself in my life and how I respond to life and the things around me. There are issues in my life I felt I had dealt with long ago and had left behind in history. All these things are rearing their ugly head yet again.... I am questioning my marriage and the validity of it, I am questioning myself and my ability to parent etc. This is stuff I worked through and now I feel here we are 4yrs later and back to square one. I feel like such a failure and a loser to not have moved beyond this. I feel like again my life is back to basics and that I have achieved nothing....
I have so many questions...Is it ok to be back here?? Does it mean I never really moved on?? Should I just not have kids?? Should I give up now??? Should I just run away?? Can I really do this journey again?? Why are we back here?? Am I really ever going to move forward??
I am not expecting anyone to respond to this or answer anything, but you know sometimes by writing them down and putting it out there you can start to seek answers.
Anyway I am not sure personally where to go form here, just keep living a day at a time I suppose. Thanks for taking the time to read.
Until next time
xx
Up North
13 years ago
4 comments:
Hey babe, I read your post as you were worried that no one would, I hear you , There can be times when we do all question ourselves, But as an outsider, You are awesome...You have an amazing family and soon to be mum again,you need to maybe take time out for yourself and get around some friends that can help you and listen to you !! It can be a hard time, But one to def be enjoyed....So if you need a MATE im here XXXOOOOO
Hey sweetie, totally get where you are coming from. I don't think you have gone backwards at all; the chemicals and hormones that are influencing your thoughts at the moment make you feel insecure about past issues, but that in itself is a symptom of depression. It doesn't mean that you haven't solved them, it means that you are struggling to see the positive in your life at the moment which makes you doubt the past and hits on old wounds. Just remember, depression prevents you from accurately guaging reality, as in, you feel squashed, flat and negative and tend to think the worst about things. This WILL pass. I know what it feels like to feel out of control in your thoughts and emotions and to see and fear the worst. It is a terrible feeling. BUT you will be ok. Ask for help when you need it, use the support people in your life and stick close to your friends. The reality is that we all love you, your family loves you and its ok. Questioning the past does not mean you are back there. No one is standing next to you with a measuring stick to see 'where you are up to' in life. Life moves in ebbs and flows. It wouldn't hurt to get some prayer either; i know its hard to get motivation when there's so much going on, but getting someone to stand on your behalf in prayer can be a real stepping stone.
Another important response is to LET God love you. By that, I mean quit judging yourself and feeling like a failure because these feelings of condemnation will steal the joy that is a result of resting in God's undeserved love and favour and grace. He loves you, babe, warts and all. Nothing can stop you entering His presence exept your own doubts and feelings of inadequacy. It doesn't matter that we fail daily. Just say sorry and move on, cos God does, and sticking close to Him will get you through. As for relationships and life in general, God has that amazing way of 'tweaking' things and straightening your perspective when you deliberately spend time in His presence and speaking His words over you life.
Wake up and make a decision to meditate on the fact that He loves you and is with you and will never leave you. Even if you don't feel like it, say aloud, 'Thank you God, that you love me no matter what and you are working all things together for good in my life.' It actually starts to change you.
Thank you for your openness and honesty, hope you don't feel bombarded with this response, i found that when i was down, it helped to have some practical steps and reassurance that God was there whether I felt it or not. Love you lots, and am thinking of you. xox
BTW when i wrote 'Wake up' I mean as in when you get up in the morning, not as in 'wake up to yourself!' LOL!
Hey Beautiful,
Thankyou for sharing so honestly. I love it that you are so real and raw about life. The reality is, life sucks sometimes and we do feel bad sometimes. Even as Christians.
I think the truth I want you to know is that you have grown so much in the last four years and you have moved on from where you were. The truth is, that even though we deal with things in our past, it doesn't mean that it won't crop up and challenge us again in our future. We all have things in our life that challenge us more than other things.
Just because this has raised it's ugly head again does not mean that you have failed. Quite honestly, I believe that you have conquered this before and so will do it again. This hasn't come again because of something you have done wrong.
You Go girl! You are capable, you are a great mum and wife, you are strong, you are so important to heaps of people, you are awesome!
love you
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