Hope.....

Ok so I wrote this big post about being honest with myself and about where I was at etc. It has then been followed by 2 general posts about Christmas and new year etc.

This is another honesty post, nothing quite as heavy or depressing I promise, but feel free to switch off now if you'd like.

Truth, I am still in the same place with life sort of. I still feel overwhelmed by lots of things, but I also now feel like maybe I have some control over them. Not a lot mind you but some.

So let me fill you in on some stuff that has happened over the last few weeks. I have had my 20 week ultrasound, which was so fun. We all went as a family and saw the pictures of our new baby. Mikayla asked heaps of questions and was really interested in at all. Leyana was bored after 5 mins. I know that my baby is very happy and healthy in there and that the problems I had in early pregnancy have now gone and have righted themselves. YAY!!! I also Had a decent chat with my Husband, and although he really doesn't get how I feel (secretly I think he just thinks I am hormonally insane) he was open to hearing me. We spoke and he just kind of said to me that he was not putting any expectations on me, but maybe I could start just doing a room at a time, if that was too much just to do part of a room. So I have tried. I am not going to tell you my house looks fabulous because that would be a lie, but I have made a start. A dent in the chaos. I even cooked dinner 3 times this week. Some of you may be thinking this is not a big deal but for me it is. To come from the way I was feeling and how I felt like I could barley move to this is a big deal. I have done several washings this week and several hours ( i mean hours) of ironing. So there you go some of what has been happening.

I have a long way to go, I know this and I have lots to do, but I also feel like maybe there is an end to these feelings. That what not so long ago felt hopeless, there is some hope for. I sometimes struggle with the idea that because I am meant to be a christian, who knows her God, that I should not feel hopeless. Sometimes though the darkness seems so overwhelming that even though somewhere you know God is with you, you can lose sight of the light. I can say that I had lost sight of the light, I think I lost sight a long time ago , but was too busy perfecting the image to really notice what was going on. One thing I have realised through everything is this, I don't know my God. I know of him and I know who he is and what he does, but I do not KNOW him. I do not understand him or have revelation of him in my life.

I feel that to get me out of this darkness I need to start chasing the light. Stop sitting on my butt and expecting him to come to me but to actually start pursuing God.

So you see there is hope. I am beginning to feel it rising in me, slowly.

So until next time
xx