I am feeling rather crappy at the moment.
I have been emotional over the past few days and maybe that's why I am feeling the way I am , I don't know.
I feel kinda lost at the minute.
I keep talking about facing reality and being real with people, but the honest truth is I don't want to face my reality. I am scared of what will happen, of not being able to keep it together if I do, of what people will think if I really do reveal the inner thoughts. I have perfected this image of someone who struggles with life as we all do but is really doing ok. My reality is far from that. It's about as opposite to that as you can get.
My reality is this, I am so completely overwhelmed by my life at the moment that i feel like I am barley able to breathe. I feel like my head is just above water but at anytime could slip under and I would be gone. Our home which is meant to be our safe haven is barley fit for human habitation ( I am serious). I have washing coming out of my ears. I feel like my Kids are out of control. I feel like I have a husband who doesn't really love me. Due to some issues we have had, I don't even trust him fully and find myself questioning everything he does. I am currently pregnant with our third child and every day feel the fear rising more and more as to how in the hell I am going to cope. To be totally honest some days I am not even sure I want this baby. There I said it. What kind of person am I huh.
So there you go a picture of my reality. I do not write this for people to respond with the "what can I do to help" or the " I feel sorry for you lines" I just thought that I keep talking about honesty it was about time I had some.
Until next time
xx
Up North
13 years ago
4 comments:
Sometimes being that honest totally sucks but there is always a degree of freedom that it brings.
I hope and pray that you learn to draw from the One that matters. And sometimes we need times like this to remember to rely on Him.
And like I said to you ... sometimes I can feel that out of control on a different level but I am learning that I need to be the one that has to stand up and puts things back in control.
Love ya xoxo
hey lolly, sweetie, we have all been there and often revisit those tough days. Good on you for your courage and honesty. My blog today was on lamenting. Maybe it will help you a little, as it helped me, to know that it is ok that we have bad thoughts, its ok that we feel overwhelmed, guilty, stressed and fragile. God is big enough for it and kind enough for it and gracious enough to not only forgive our wrong attitudes, but replace them with His perspective and peace. Don't let guilt steal God's eternal acceptance, love and grace from your heart. He always accepts you just as you are, knows you intimately and loves you despite!! It is not about us, but about who HE is. We all have wrong attitudes, Loll, we all still sin and struggle and have meltdowns and skeletons in our closets. You are not alone. God accepts you exactly the way you are right now, and so do we! Things will get better, they really will. Don't hate yourself, let God love you in this. Love you lots and I will be praying for you. You are an amazing girl, you have come so far and you have a beautiful future ahead of you. You will be ok and we are here for you if you need us xoxox
Oh dear, I do hope these don't come across as 'feel sorry for you lines' LOL You know I don't mean it that way, just don't want you hating on yourself and thinking you are different from the rest of us, cos you are not. love and hugs xox
Honesty is scary huh? The thing is to keep being honest... don't get scared and go back. When I am frequently overwhelmed with life (and my laundry... seriously!!) I remember that simple little saying about eating an elephant one bite at a time... one of my mentors reminds me of this continuously. But you HAVE to keep taking bites!! Work on one thng at a time.
We all have our own struggles and secrets, so be encouraged, it'll all be okay. Just don't turn back! Everyday do at least one thing to move forward.
Loveya babe, thanks for your heart.
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