Depression...

Ok So I am warning you all this is not going to be a light cheery post, so please do not feel compelled to read if you don't want to...

At this stage in pregnancy, The hospital I am using give all women this survey which basically lets them know emotionally how you are going and to give them an insight into who may be at risk for post natal depression. I completed this survey this week and as I knew I would scored very high.
I have known for quite a while there has been some underlying depression going on in my life. I have been diagnosed with depression before and put on anti depressants, I know what my signs are. The last time was after I had Leyana. I love being pregnant but emotionally and psychologically I do not cope particularly well, just ask my poor long suffering husband.

I spoke to a close friend about it after my appointment, she knows all the details of what went on in my life after I had Leyana, so of course expressed concern about my well being. I assured her I was fine for the moment and would talk to the appropriate people after I have given birth. I told her I was fine with everything and with the fact that I may be diagnosed yet again.

I am struggling though, not with the fact That I may have to go back on medication, I have no issues with this, I am not against it at all. I am struggling with the way depression outworks itself in my life and how I respond to life and the things around me. There are issues in my life I felt I had dealt with long ago and had left behind in history. All these things are rearing their ugly head yet again.... I am questioning my marriage and the validity of it, I am questioning myself and my ability to parent etc. This is stuff I worked through and now I feel here we are 4yrs later and back to square one. I feel like such a failure and a loser to not have moved beyond this. I feel like again my life is back to basics and that I have achieved nothing....

I have so many questions...Is it ok to be back here?? Does it mean I never really moved on?? Should I just not have kids?? Should I give up now??? Should I just run away?? Can I really do this journey again?? Why are we back here?? Am I really ever going to move forward??

I am not expecting anyone to respond to this or answer anything, but you know sometimes by writing them down and putting it out there you can start to seek answers.

Anyway I am not sure personally where to go form here, just keep living a day at a time I suppose. Thanks for taking the time to read.

Until next time
xx

My weekend

So Daniel and I went away for the weekend and it was FANTASTIC!!!!!!!

It was so nice to just have some us time...No children to interrupt or worry about. We spoke about stupid things and big things and just life in general. We spent lots of time giggling and just being relaxed. No pressure to do ANYTHING!!

We had a wedding to go to in Mornington, which was lovely. The bride looked stunning. I suppose most brides do. It was old family friends of mine that I had grown up with.

We stayed at a lovely hotel, The bed was HUGE!!! I had to actually bounce to hop up onto it because it was so high. An interesting sight to see let me tell you when a 31 week pregnant woman tries to climb on a bed that's too high. Lets just say I am glad my hubby does not think I am a classy elegant lady, and if he did ALL illusions were shattered.



We got to spend Sunday together as our time. Check out was 11 we decided to sleep in until 9:30-10ish. The problem is when you have kids your body naturally wakes you up when they would normally wake you up....I had no problems in lying there and going back to sleep though. The bed was comfy, very soft which made it interesting to roll my big fat belly over but that's ok. My hubby did inform me that I seemed to have no trouble sleeping considering I lay in one position and snored for ages while he tried to watch tv. I denied that I would do this opf course...I am far too ladylike to snore. We went for brekky to this really yummy place called "The Boyz For Brekky" It was so so so good. If you get the chance to go there you have to!!! I was gonna take a pic of brekky to post but Dan told me it was weird and I was a dork. So i didn't but It was so yummy!!!!!

We then spent our afternoon at somewhere called Point Nepean, It's part of the old Port Phillip fortments..(Army Stuff) Ok you all might be thinking how geeky. To be honest It's not really really my thing, but I found it interesting. You get to go in some of the old underground tunnels and stuff and that was ok. The thing is for me I get more enjoyment out of it because I know how much Dan enjoys it. And yes he did enjoy it. He had a ball as he walked and his poor old wife waddled next to him. He took loads of boring pics but that's his thing. I think sometimes I forget to put myself out for him. I mean I drag him shopping on a regular basis and he HATES it but he does it for me. So I enjoyed my time with him and he enjoyed his day. Us in the shuttle that takes you to the tunnels

Us inside one of the tunnels, see how relaxed I look

All in all it was fabulous, I came home exhausted and needed a weekend to recover but that's ok.

Loves Ya All xx

over tired

Ok so I had a good day today.

I was going to blog on some big issues that I need to deal with and share some of the journey God has taken me on in the past little bit, but to be honest guys I am way too tired. I feel sick because my body is telling me enough is enough. One of my hated side effects of pregnancy is that my body gives up on me well before I want it to. So I will blog some deep and honest stuff soon, just not tonight.

I had a lovely arvo shopping with my mum today in my new fave shop, ok so it's maternity, but I love it unfortunately only 9 more weeks to enjoy it. We are going to a wedding on Saturday in Mornington so I had to buy a new outfit. Which of course i hated...NOT.

Just a quick opinion poll, The receptipon is cocktail, which technically means you should wear a dress. Considering I am 31 weeks pregnant and could not find a dress, do you think I will be ok wearing pants and a nice top?? I hope so coz that's all I got now.

Anyways a boring and mundane post yet again, promise something more meaty is coming.

Love You all
xx

3 days in a row...This must be a record!!!

Ok really quick post about my day

Rudd money came through woohoo!!!

Went from being a blonde kinda color to what I would describe as a very very dark brunette with some red and blonde foils to break it up

Leyana had her second ever hair cut...Yes I know she is 3 but she just has very little hair

Had parent teacher interviews, Mikayla is doing really well. The main issue that needs to be addressed (and has been the same issue for 3 years now) Is that she has difficulty completing work due to talking to people and distracting others.....I have no idea where she gets this from. Apart from that she is well mannered, responsible and a delight to teach. Can't complain about that, at least I must have done something right.

It's now 11:56pm and approx 15 mins ago Leyana woke up and was saying good morning through closed and sleepy eyes. She then proceeded to have a meltdown when I explained that it was still night time. Oh the perils of being 3. She is currently asleep in my bed behind me, awaiting promised snuggles (Dan is on Night shift).

So that's some of my day in a nutshell

Until next time xx

I know people 2 blogs in a row.....Shocking

Trying to get myself into the habit of sharing and blogging, even the mundane and ordinary.

I had a great day today, I literally hopped back into bed and slept for 3hours. It was awesome, the joy of child free days.

We took the kids out to dinner to the croydon hotel, ok nothing flash but the kids really enjoyed doing something so out of the norm for our family. So it was family date night. It was nice just spending the time talking to the kids about what there lives were like. I love hearing the stories that come out and the way that they are explained. Leyana's day consisted of drawing and nothing else apparently...She didn't play with Primrose because they are not friends today (this changes on a daily basis, Plus I find it hard to believe when they hugged each other goodbye) Oh and when she did a poo in her undies (ahh the joys of toilet training) she cleaned them, with no help, because it was her responsibility (again I find this a little hard to believe) but that's the moments in her day. Mikayla on the other hand, enjoyed her classes, swapped library books and oh yeah Mum had a massive fight with Melanie at lunch where we were both so mad at each other we yelled lots and refused to listen. But it's all good now coz we made up later. When I asked her what the fight was over she couldn't tell me. Oh the joys of being 7.

Dan had an interesting night at work overnight, he walked in on 4 guys trying to steal copper from the back of his work, he yelled out and they took off. Apparently copper is worth a lot of money. The police were called and reports were made etc. Leyana was horrified by this, it has been a major talking point for her. She spoke to my parents and explained it like this.......The naughty man came to dads work and tried to steal part of dads work, and the sercarity man camed and called the police and now the police are trying to catched the bad man. I had to giggle for me all I envisioned is someone trying to steal a building or something. So we have been asked about 50 times today why did the man try to steal it?? Why did they run away?? why did dad yell?? Did daddy RAAA like a lion?? etc etc. It has driven me mad. Although I do love watching her try to reconcile and process something so inconceivable to her.

All this high lights for me though what 2 beautiful daughters I have. I love them both very very much!!!

So anyway that's my post for today.

Until next time xx

an overdue post about nothing....

Ok so I have not posted in ages and friend are telling me to get off my backside and do it.

So much has been happening that I am not quite sure I remember all of it and am not quite sure what to actually blog.

I have been incredibly emotional lately and very teary over lots of things. My hubby has worked A LOT of hours and I feel like i have parented our 2 amazing daughters on my own. When you are 30 weeks pregnant and exhausted this is actually quite challenging some days. There has been lots of yelling, crying and laughing along the way oh and LOTS of take out.

One of my lighter moments in the last 2 weeks, which has been a fun story to tell and brought lots of giggles came from my youngest daughter Leyana. I was wiping her face one morning before school, at which she was disgusted and questioned me as to why I needed to do this. I responded by telling her that if she wanted to come out with me she had to be tidy. She stopped and looked at me in absolute horror and said to me "Mummy I am NOT a room" I looked at her and burst out laughing, how do you respond to a comment like that??

On a separate note, I Had a girls night out to celebrate the fact I was having another bubba. I had a ball we went to the pig and whistle and ate great food and had great conversation. I will put some pics up for you to see. It was made all the more special because of the people I had there. Each and every person was invited because they all mean something to me, and they are all the woman I journey life with and who face some of life's battles with me. All incredibly special people. Tracey insisted in taking a full length side shot of my belly so I could update pics. During this we had some random guy come up and do a comparison pic with me, it was hysterical. I love nights like this where life is just relaxed and fun. Thinking we should organise brunch next girls. Yep my life revolves around food, I LOVE food

The very good looking Rachel
Proof That Tracey loves me

Bec, Lauren and Me
Lauren and Bec
Me at 30 weeks
Below Is the Random Guy

So that's about all I am going to write about for the moment, It's late and I am tired.

Love You all

Until next time xx