Submit??????????

Ok so I wanted to share with you a little bit of the journey God has been taking me on of late. The things that he has been showing me that I need to change.

Recently Corey ( my senior pastor) blogged on Men, and the fact that for too long Men have taken a back seat in life and that they need to step up and be strong leaders, you can read it here.

I agree with this blog whole heartedly and I do believe that the men of this generation need to step up. This however for me has opened up a whole can of worms. I am one of those women who has taken over the headship role in our home. Most of you who know me, will know that I am not exactly a quiet submissive person. I am loud and dominating. I know that biblically Dan should be the head of our home, but this is a role I have never seen hum take on, or more so take on in the way I think it should be done, so I instead have taken this role on.

God is showing me that i need to submit this role back to Daniel and that I need to respect him as my husband. Now before I go any further I am not a hugely biblical knowledge person, and I am not saying this is the case for everyone. I am just sharing what God has said to me for my situation.

So giving this authority back to Daniel is a huge challenge for me, I like being n control. I like things done my way, and I DO NOT like submitting to authority. (just ask God) So i immediately have my safe answers to fire back at God.
1. If Dan wants this role he needs to take it on.
2. If he treated me right then I would respect him more
3. I am a more spiritual person than he, so how can he be the spiritual leader.

Well never have a smart answer for God because he will always have one that is smarter. God is kinda like that, when you think you are clever he just proves that he knows more and better than you do, so why fight it.

God basically said this to me (my wording)
1. why would Daniel take on a role that is already being filled?? If you keep doing it for him why would he step up?? Answer 1 has just been shot down.
2. Maybe if you showed him the respect you should show him as your husband, he would have the opportunity to treat you in all the ways you deserve to be treated. Answer 2 has now been shot down. Ahh but I still had number 3 up my sleeve.....
3. Just because he is not a spiritual as you does not mean he should not be the spiritual head of your home. I am not going to leave your family just because you feel it is less spiritual. But remember, I see his heart, not you, just because it's not done your way does not mean it's not right. Well answer 3 had just been shot down.

So where to from here?? Well for me personally submission is an every day decision that I need to make. Trust me most days I do not make it, but I am trying. This does not mean that I can not have an opinion or that I become a doormat. It does mean that I give my husband the authority and respect he deserves. Sometimes I can see that the decision he is making will not work and it will be a mistake. I need to learn to let him make those mistakes and to learn from them. And that when things go wrong not to condemn him and say "I TOLD YOU SO" (my fave lines) but actually to help him fix the mistake and move forward both as a couple and a family.

So anyway this has been a very long post. Just a quick version of what is going on in my head.

Until next time
xx

My Beautiful Birthday Girl...

It was my beautiful daughter Mikayla's 8th Birthday yesterday. The celebrations seem to be going on and on forever (they Started on Saturday)

I spent some time yesterday reflecting on what a precious gift this little girl has been in my life.

I was 18yrs Old when I got pregnant with Mikayla, I was in a very destructive, emotionally and sexually abusive and really just unhealthy relationship at the time. I was drinking a lot, not eating much and living in a caravan in Perth. I had told my family that I never wanted to see them again.

I will never forget finding out I was pregnant with Mikayla, I had discussed the fact that I had thought I was pregnant with my partner and it was decided if I was that a termination was the only option. I had no idea were to go and what to do and we had no money. I ended up going to the family planning clinic, they did a test which very quickly came up positive. I then discussed the options I had and was booked in for a termination. As I sat on the bus more and more it became clear to me that I could not go through with an abortion. Anyways I am rambling, long story short I made the decision to have this baby no matter what the cost. Through a series of circumstances I contacted my parents and told them I was pregnant. They took the news slightly better than I expected them to. I had been unwell so I decided to fly back to Melbourne to stay with my mum for a short period, just to get me through the first trimester.

Coming home is a huge story in itself that maybe I Will blog about another time.

While I was back in Melbourne I really started to reassess my life. I realised I could not bring a baby into the relationship I was in and that I needed to start making some tough decisions,. What does all this have to do with my baby girl I hear you thinking.

Well I made the decision to stay in Melbourne. I moved on with my life and I started to grow up. I had amazing family support but if it had not been for her, I am not sure where I would be today. Sometimes I feel like she saved my life.

Since the day she was born she has brought me so much joy. She makes me laugh and makes me cry. I am so immensely proud of this girl. She is smart and bright and happy and everyone seems to love her. Yes she has attitude but she is my daughter after all, what would you expect. She is the thing that changed me and turned my life around. I love her with all my heart.

Mikayla you are a beautiful princess who has been created so perfectly by God. I love you and I am so so so proud of you.

HAPPY 8TH BIRTHDAY BABY GIRL XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Depression...

Ok So I am warning you all this is not going to be a light cheery post, so please do not feel compelled to read if you don't want to...

At this stage in pregnancy, The hospital I am using give all women this survey which basically lets them know emotionally how you are going and to give them an insight into who may be at risk for post natal depression. I completed this survey this week and as I knew I would scored very high.
I have known for quite a while there has been some underlying depression going on in my life. I have been diagnosed with depression before and put on anti depressants, I know what my signs are. The last time was after I had Leyana. I love being pregnant but emotionally and psychologically I do not cope particularly well, just ask my poor long suffering husband.

I spoke to a close friend about it after my appointment, she knows all the details of what went on in my life after I had Leyana, so of course expressed concern about my well being. I assured her I was fine for the moment and would talk to the appropriate people after I have given birth. I told her I was fine with everything and with the fact that I may be diagnosed yet again.

I am struggling though, not with the fact That I may have to go back on medication, I have no issues with this, I am not against it at all. I am struggling with the way depression outworks itself in my life and how I respond to life and the things around me. There are issues in my life I felt I had dealt with long ago and had left behind in history. All these things are rearing their ugly head yet again.... I am questioning my marriage and the validity of it, I am questioning myself and my ability to parent etc. This is stuff I worked through and now I feel here we are 4yrs later and back to square one. I feel like such a failure and a loser to not have moved beyond this. I feel like again my life is back to basics and that I have achieved nothing....

I have so many questions...Is it ok to be back here?? Does it mean I never really moved on?? Should I just not have kids?? Should I give up now??? Should I just run away?? Can I really do this journey again?? Why are we back here?? Am I really ever going to move forward??

I am not expecting anyone to respond to this or answer anything, but you know sometimes by writing them down and putting it out there you can start to seek answers.

Anyway I am not sure personally where to go form here, just keep living a day at a time I suppose. Thanks for taking the time to read.

Until next time
xx

My weekend

So Daniel and I went away for the weekend and it was FANTASTIC!!!!!!!

It was so nice to just have some us time...No children to interrupt or worry about. We spoke about stupid things and big things and just life in general. We spent lots of time giggling and just being relaxed. No pressure to do ANYTHING!!

We had a wedding to go to in Mornington, which was lovely. The bride looked stunning. I suppose most brides do. It was old family friends of mine that I had grown up with.

We stayed at a lovely hotel, The bed was HUGE!!! I had to actually bounce to hop up onto it because it was so high. An interesting sight to see let me tell you when a 31 week pregnant woman tries to climb on a bed that's too high. Lets just say I am glad my hubby does not think I am a classy elegant lady, and if he did ALL illusions were shattered.



We got to spend Sunday together as our time. Check out was 11 we decided to sleep in until 9:30-10ish. The problem is when you have kids your body naturally wakes you up when they would normally wake you up....I had no problems in lying there and going back to sleep though. The bed was comfy, very soft which made it interesting to roll my big fat belly over but that's ok. My hubby did inform me that I seemed to have no trouble sleeping considering I lay in one position and snored for ages while he tried to watch tv. I denied that I would do this opf course...I am far too ladylike to snore. We went for brekky to this really yummy place called "The Boyz For Brekky" It was so so so good. If you get the chance to go there you have to!!! I was gonna take a pic of brekky to post but Dan told me it was weird and I was a dork. So i didn't but It was so yummy!!!!!

We then spent our afternoon at somewhere called Point Nepean, It's part of the old Port Phillip fortments..(Army Stuff) Ok you all might be thinking how geeky. To be honest It's not really really my thing, but I found it interesting. You get to go in some of the old underground tunnels and stuff and that was ok. The thing is for me I get more enjoyment out of it because I know how much Dan enjoys it. And yes he did enjoy it. He had a ball as he walked and his poor old wife waddled next to him. He took loads of boring pics but that's his thing. I think sometimes I forget to put myself out for him. I mean I drag him shopping on a regular basis and he HATES it but he does it for me. So I enjoyed my time with him and he enjoyed his day. Us in the shuttle that takes you to the tunnels

Us inside one of the tunnels, see how relaxed I look

All in all it was fabulous, I came home exhausted and needed a weekend to recover but that's ok.

Loves Ya All xx

over tired

Ok so I had a good day today.

I was going to blog on some big issues that I need to deal with and share some of the journey God has taken me on in the past little bit, but to be honest guys I am way too tired. I feel sick because my body is telling me enough is enough. One of my hated side effects of pregnancy is that my body gives up on me well before I want it to. So I will blog some deep and honest stuff soon, just not tonight.

I had a lovely arvo shopping with my mum today in my new fave shop, ok so it's maternity, but I love it unfortunately only 9 more weeks to enjoy it. We are going to a wedding on Saturday in Mornington so I had to buy a new outfit. Which of course i hated...NOT.

Just a quick opinion poll, The receptipon is cocktail, which technically means you should wear a dress. Considering I am 31 weeks pregnant and could not find a dress, do you think I will be ok wearing pants and a nice top?? I hope so coz that's all I got now.

Anyways a boring and mundane post yet again, promise something more meaty is coming.

Love You all
xx

3 days in a row...This must be a record!!!

Ok really quick post about my day

Rudd money came through woohoo!!!

Went from being a blonde kinda color to what I would describe as a very very dark brunette with some red and blonde foils to break it up

Leyana had her second ever hair cut...Yes I know she is 3 but she just has very little hair

Had parent teacher interviews, Mikayla is doing really well. The main issue that needs to be addressed (and has been the same issue for 3 years now) Is that she has difficulty completing work due to talking to people and distracting others.....I have no idea where she gets this from. Apart from that she is well mannered, responsible and a delight to teach. Can't complain about that, at least I must have done something right.

It's now 11:56pm and approx 15 mins ago Leyana woke up and was saying good morning through closed and sleepy eyes. She then proceeded to have a meltdown when I explained that it was still night time. Oh the perils of being 3. She is currently asleep in my bed behind me, awaiting promised snuggles (Dan is on Night shift).

So that's some of my day in a nutshell

Until next time xx

I know people 2 blogs in a row.....Shocking

Trying to get myself into the habit of sharing and blogging, even the mundane and ordinary.

I had a great day today, I literally hopped back into bed and slept for 3hours. It was awesome, the joy of child free days.

We took the kids out to dinner to the croydon hotel, ok nothing flash but the kids really enjoyed doing something so out of the norm for our family. So it was family date night. It was nice just spending the time talking to the kids about what there lives were like. I love hearing the stories that come out and the way that they are explained. Leyana's day consisted of drawing and nothing else apparently...She didn't play with Primrose because they are not friends today (this changes on a daily basis, Plus I find it hard to believe when they hugged each other goodbye) Oh and when she did a poo in her undies (ahh the joys of toilet training) she cleaned them, with no help, because it was her responsibility (again I find this a little hard to believe) but that's the moments in her day. Mikayla on the other hand, enjoyed her classes, swapped library books and oh yeah Mum had a massive fight with Melanie at lunch where we were both so mad at each other we yelled lots and refused to listen. But it's all good now coz we made up later. When I asked her what the fight was over she couldn't tell me. Oh the joys of being 7.

Dan had an interesting night at work overnight, he walked in on 4 guys trying to steal copper from the back of his work, he yelled out and they took off. Apparently copper is worth a lot of money. The police were called and reports were made etc. Leyana was horrified by this, it has been a major talking point for her. She spoke to my parents and explained it like this.......The naughty man came to dads work and tried to steal part of dads work, and the sercarity man camed and called the police and now the police are trying to catched the bad man. I had to giggle for me all I envisioned is someone trying to steal a building or something. So we have been asked about 50 times today why did the man try to steal it?? Why did they run away?? why did dad yell?? Did daddy RAAA like a lion?? etc etc. It has driven me mad. Although I do love watching her try to reconcile and process something so inconceivable to her.

All this high lights for me though what 2 beautiful daughters I have. I love them both very very much!!!

So anyway that's my post for today.

Until next time xx

an overdue post about nothing....

Ok so I have not posted in ages and friend are telling me to get off my backside and do it.

So much has been happening that I am not quite sure I remember all of it and am not quite sure what to actually blog.

I have been incredibly emotional lately and very teary over lots of things. My hubby has worked A LOT of hours and I feel like i have parented our 2 amazing daughters on my own. When you are 30 weeks pregnant and exhausted this is actually quite challenging some days. There has been lots of yelling, crying and laughing along the way oh and LOTS of take out.

One of my lighter moments in the last 2 weeks, which has been a fun story to tell and brought lots of giggles came from my youngest daughter Leyana. I was wiping her face one morning before school, at which she was disgusted and questioned me as to why I needed to do this. I responded by telling her that if she wanted to come out with me she had to be tidy. She stopped and looked at me in absolute horror and said to me "Mummy I am NOT a room" I looked at her and burst out laughing, how do you respond to a comment like that??

On a separate note, I Had a girls night out to celebrate the fact I was having another bubba. I had a ball we went to the pig and whistle and ate great food and had great conversation. I will put some pics up for you to see. It was made all the more special because of the people I had there. Each and every person was invited because they all mean something to me, and they are all the woman I journey life with and who face some of life's battles with me. All incredibly special people. Tracey insisted in taking a full length side shot of my belly so I could update pics. During this we had some random guy come up and do a comparison pic with me, it was hysterical. I love nights like this where life is just relaxed and fun. Thinking we should organise brunch next girls. Yep my life revolves around food, I LOVE food

The very good looking Rachel
Proof That Tracey loves me

Bec, Lauren and Me
Lauren and Bec
Me at 30 weeks
Below Is the Random Guy

So that's about all I am going to write about for the moment, It's late and I am tired.

Love You all

Until next time xx

Wisdom Shared

So Dan and I have this great friend, on our daughters first birthday he wrote her this fantastic birthday card which we loved. In it he included a list of things he wished he knew when he was growing up. Wisdom that he wanted to pass on to our little girl.

I was cleaning things out the other day and came across her card (yes I keep birthday cards). As I read it again, I was touched by the thoughtfulness behind it. It is also some really good advice. I myself could take some of it on board so I thought i would share it with you.

1. Don't worry, worry kills life
2. Start each day with prayer, it will arm your soul
3. Accept your limitations, God has different jobs for different people
4. Don't envy, it wastes time and energy
5. Have faith in people, there are still good ones out there.
6. Find a hobby, it will relax you
7. Spend some time alone, for the peace and solitude of silence
8. Never spend money before you have it
9. If you must speak your mind, mind how you speak
10. Don't pray for more than you are willing to work for
11. The secret sin on earth is an open scandal in heaven
12. I have held many things in my hands and i have lost them all, But whatever I have placed in God's hands I still possess

13. Don't be afraid to love
14. Don't be afraid to go out on a limb, because that is where the fruit is


So that is his list of wisdom. I LOVE it and just wanted to share.

Until next time
xx

An ode to friends....

Ok so lately I have seen a few blogs dedicated to friends and the importance of friendship.

So i have decided to do a short post on the subject, yes I am a copy cat.

I have many people in my life whom I call friends, some are old some are new but all play a different role and help me in different ways. I am the type of person who needs people, those who know me well know I talk way too much and am always gas bagging.

So for those who know me and spend time with me, THANK YOU!!!!, each of you play a significant and unique role in my life.

I want to take the time though to honour 2 incredibly special people to me. I hope you all don't mind.


This is the beautiful, incredible amazing Tracey!!!

This is the girl who know most if not all of my secrets, and then loves and supports me anyways. I value and cherish her. She has wisdom in areas I do not, she has a strength of character that I learn from. She handles all of the challenges life throws at her (lately there have been a few) with such strength and determination while showing grace and mercy when it is needed. There is so much I can and do learn from her, she is a significant part of my life journey.


This is the stunning, wise and awesome Bec!!!!

This girl has been in my life for the past 14 years, yep that's right she has actually been a part of my journey for over 1/2 my life. She has challenged me and watched me grow, She will always tell me what I need to hear even when I do not want to hear it. She handles everything she does with such integrity and grace. She is honest and raw. She teaches me things about myself that I need to be taught. I love her like a sister.

So it is an honour to have both Bec and Tracey in my life, I am so glad the God had brought us together.

until next time
xx

An announcement..............

Ok just a quickie to let everyone know that, ok you may want to sit down,

MY HOUSE IS CLEANED!!!!!!!!!!!!

Those who read my blog regularly will know that this is has been a rather large issue for me of late.

There is a story behind how and why it got done, maybe I will share it one day and maybe I won't. The most important thing is that it is done.

Once I get past the exhaustion and get some sleep I am sure i will feel even better about it.

Until Next Time
xx

Food for thought.....

Ok this is just a really quick note

I made the best dinner tonight. It was so awesome!!!

We had spinach and ricotta cannelloni, well my version anyways. I am not sure how to really make it.

I am happy because this week in our house we have had more home cooked meals than take away and even though I felt exhausted I put the effort in.

Tracey has been talking to me a lot about food of late and I am starting to see that I need to make the change.

The one thing she has said to me, which has really challenged me is this: I can make whatever decisions I want about foods, good or bad and I have to live with the consequences of that. (and I do hence why I am so overweight I am classed as obese) My children on the other hand do not have the same power and choice that I do. I make those decisions for them and they have to live with the consequences. As their mother it is my responsibility to look after them the best I can and their diet and trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle is part of that. I mindlessly feed my kids without giving a second thought to what I am actually putting into their bodies and the affect that it could be having on them.

I have also read another friends blog this week and she has made some really interesting points, I urge all of you to take a quick look. http://louise-mumof3girls.blogspot.com/ I am slowly beginning to realise what is actually in foods, and that sometimes when we think we are doing the right thing we are actually not.

So anyways I am feeling challenged, and slowly trying to make changes. Hope this wasn't too boring.

Until next time
xx

Hope.....

Ok so I wrote this big post about being honest with myself and about where I was at etc. It has then been followed by 2 general posts about Christmas and new year etc.

This is another honesty post, nothing quite as heavy or depressing I promise, but feel free to switch off now if you'd like.

Truth, I am still in the same place with life sort of. I still feel overwhelmed by lots of things, but I also now feel like maybe I have some control over them. Not a lot mind you but some.

So let me fill you in on some stuff that has happened over the last few weeks. I have had my 20 week ultrasound, which was so fun. We all went as a family and saw the pictures of our new baby. Mikayla asked heaps of questions and was really interested in at all. Leyana was bored after 5 mins. I know that my baby is very happy and healthy in there and that the problems I had in early pregnancy have now gone and have righted themselves. YAY!!! I also Had a decent chat with my Husband, and although he really doesn't get how I feel (secretly I think he just thinks I am hormonally insane) he was open to hearing me. We spoke and he just kind of said to me that he was not putting any expectations on me, but maybe I could start just doing a room at a time, if that was too much just to do part of a room. So I have tried. I am not going to tell you my house looks fabulous because that would be a lie, but I have made a start. A dent in the chaos. I even cooked dinner 3 times this week. Some of you may be thinking this is not a big deal but for me it is. To come from the way I was feeling and how I felt like I could barley move to this is a big deal. I have done several washings this week and several hours ( i mean hours) of ironing. So there you go some of what has been happening.

I have a long way to go, I know this and I have lots to do, but I also feel like maybe there is an end to these feelings. That what not so long ago felt hopeless, there is some hope for. I sometimes struggle with the idea that because I am meant to be a christian, who knows her God, that I should not feel hopeless. Sometimes though the darkness seems so overwhelming that even though somewhere you know God is with you, you can lose sight of the light. I can say that I had lost sight of the light, I think I lost sight a long time ago , but was too busy perfecting the image to really notice what was going on. One thing I have realised through everything is this, I don't know my God. I know of him and I know who he is and what he does, but I do not KNOW him. I do not understand him or have revelation of him in my life.

I feel that to get me out of this darkness I need to start chasing the light. Stop sitting on my butt and expecting him to come to me but to actually start pursuing God.

So you see there is hope. I am beginning to feel it rising in me, slowly.

So until next time
xx

A new year.......

Ok so it's now officially 2009, I would like to know where 2008 went????

Now is the time for all those resolutions and things that we are going to do this year, to be honest I have none. I know there are certain things I would like to achieve but in all honesty I have no resolutions.




On a dif note, we had a fabulous new years eve.

Our day started at 8:30am when we packed up and left on our 2hr drive to Sovereign Hill. We had the best day, and I mean the best. It was so so so much fun. We panned for Gold (and found some), had a horse and cart ride, walked and walked made candles, went underground (where some of us freaked out a little) made peg dolls and just had such a fun family time.



I think this visit was a bit of an eye opener for Mikyala She was shocked to see that some whole families lived in a tent or room smaller that her bedroom.




So we got home at dinner time last night, changed and then went straight back out for New years celebrations. We ended up only going to my parents place. This was actually really good, coz it meant that my kids were in bed by 8:30. Yes I know what a horrible mum. Leyana slept well, Mikyala was still awake at midnight so she got up and celebrated with us. She had a boogie and was part of the tradition or superstition of being the first foot (this is a Scottish thing). I will explain, the first foot is the first person to come over your doorstep after midnight. With them they must bring Coal, Food, Drink and money. All of this meaning that you will always have warmth, plenty to eat and drink and money in your purse. I remember always being kicked out at 11:59 to be my Nanna's first foot when I was a child.

We had such a great night with awesome food and great family and friends.

So I am looking forward to many changes in 2009. And lots of new adventures.

Until next time
xx